Friday, 2 July 2010

I watch the world go by

I sometimes think that I am just a spectator in the game called life, I see it passing every day, but at the end of the day I am always wondering what I have done to make that day the best it could ever be.

I moved away from London because I had become stuck in a rut, my work life was hectic and the whole London dating disaster was crazy. A head spin.

I thought that moving to another country would stop the routine and predictability of it.
I was wrong, here I am in Indonesia and have become stuck in a somewhat mundane routine.
I start to wonder how that could have happened, I start to blame work, my boyfriend and just fate. But then I start to think more, and look a little closer and I realize it's me, It's all in my control I have the ball and I am deciding which way it goes. Scoring a goal and happiness depends on me. Yes I work 5 days a week from 12-8pm, but why should that stop me from having a little fun?! The answer is it shouldn't, it should push me to make my non working hours as fun as possible. I should be pushing myself to experience new things and meet new people. Why don't I? Honestly I am scared, I was scared in London and now even more so in Indonesia, I am scared of breaking my comfort zone. Moving to Indonesia was the bravest thing I have ever done, some could say I wasn't really using my head when I decided it. I just left on Impulse.

Now I am this beautiful country, but paralyzed by fear, fear of change, fear of failure and fear of communicating with people in case of them laughing at me.

I want to do so much, I want to join a traditional dance class, I want to create some kind of Indonesian/English coffee meeting time... so I can Indonesian and people can use English too- No charge just a chance to make friends etc, and have fun. I want to take vocal lessons, there is so much here to enrich my life. But fear takes over.

I like Indonesia, It's weird how normal life seems to me now, how I know the streets of my city, how i know the food to eat, how i know the customs. I love it, I love that i know so much about another country, but I want to know more. i want to push myself deeper into the unknown because i know if i do, there will be rewards at the end of it.

For Indonesian Friends,

Aku sebaiknya coba pada tulis di Bahasa Indonesian, karena aku bisa belajar lebih. Blog ku tentang hidup ku di Indonesia. Aku bebicara tentang Kerja, Happiness dan takut ku.

Ohhhh.. itu susah sulit sekali untuk aku tulis itu. Haha

Maaf jika km ga mengerti ini... aku coba ya!

Sunday, 20 June 2010

I jinxed it

So my last blog was about how I love to ride my motorbike.... Big mistake I jinxed it.

Three days ago, me and my friend were on my motorbike on the way home. We were both really happy after spending a good night watching my friend play in a band. So anyhoo, whilst driving through the campus of a University, a bike started to drive really close to us, so close i could touch his bike- All i thought was " how weird is that" but a second later, i see that the two boys are trying to steal my friend bag from her, and as a result were also pulling my bike. The boys were thankfully not successful in getting my friends bag, but were successful in pulling me and my friend off the bike and making us fall and my bike slide down the road. The most scary experience I have had.

After we fell, I went into panic mode, screaming and crying. Thankfully my friend totally calmed me down, a kind fisherman helped us, and then the police came but nothing they can really do for us.

My injuries are not serious, a sprain, grazes and a dislocated knee. I now walk a little funny until i start to heal. Today in an effort to speed up the recovery my boyfriend took me for a traditional massage- I had to no idea what to expect, i thought maybe a light massage to release the tension- How wrong i was, i was led into a really dark and dingy room, where my blind masseuse proceeded to try to click my knee back into place, oh the pain. I screamed so much, and cried for the whole ten minutes of the hellish massage. Thankfully now, i am walking much better so that's a good sign that the pain was worth it.

I have learnt one lesson this week, don't jinx good luck.


Monday, 14 June 2010

Dont Think just do

Ok so driving in Jojga may not be the safest of places to drive but I have been successfully driving my motorbike for a couple of months now, and touch wood I haven't had a problem yet. I was driving yesterday in total mayhem and i started to think how the hell have I not had an accident?! I mean if you have seen these roads then you know that its total craziness.

So here are my top tips in order to survive the roads of Jogja or anywhere else in Indonesia.

1. Do not at any time be polite and let people go in front of you, or come out of a street- just charge on.
2. Consider cars the enemy, they beep, they are faster and bigger- We hate them.
3. Don't get yourself stuck behind a bus, coach or becak, if you do expect to use your brakes every second.
4. If coming out of a small street onto a main road, don't stop just go go go, even if you can see lots of traffic they will move.
5. Have no fear of being nearly squished by a lorry and a coach on either side of you. It always works out.
6. Make sure your mirrors are positioned to see the sky and not the road, or better yet- don't use your mirrors at all- just swerve into the lane and hope nobody is in your way.

Ok so I am being super English and using amples of sarcasm here, because here in Indonesia well my sarcasm isn't understood... So i am applying lashings of it here.

Although totally dangerous, driving my motorbike gives me a real sense of freedom, I truly enjoy riding around with the wind blowing in my face. It makes me proud that I have learned something else here, how to ride the roads with confidence.

Everything else fine over here, just plodding along doing what I do. My job is going well, my health better and my social life 100% better, I now have friends that i trust and care about( and who sometimes get my humor too). Guitar lessons are going well, I am now in process of learning a whole song- Its a really cool Indonesian song called Pelan Pelan saja- Slow Slow only( not a great direct translation). I hope one day i can play and sing at the same time, that's my ultimate goal.

Okelah gotta go!

Niketa xxx

Wednesday, 2 June 2010

Beauty comes from Within

A year ago i was totally obsessed with the way I looked- Clothes and Makeup. I obsessed about it so much, as i was totally lacking in confidence people may have thought that I was this confident person because that's the way I acted. How wrong.

I find that since i have moved to Indonesia I have become so less obsessed with the way I look, I am comfortable in my own skin, if people don't like the way I look then that's their problem. But i think more than anything i have come to realize that beauty isn't how you look but how you are as a person. Cliched as it sounds but do you have a beautiful heart?

At first we are attracted to a person by the way they look, but after a while you come to find out that the beautiful person is not such a nice person. I am told daily how beautiful i am, because of my unique look( not so white, not so asian), maybe a year ago I would have been so happy to hear those comments, but now( yes of course I like) but always think about how beauty is only skin deep, what about me as a person. Am i beautiful too? I wish someone would just say that to me.... Oh Niketa you are such a beautiful person. But then I start to think, Am i a beautiful person inside?

I start to think what I could to make myself a better person... I look through all my flaws, and i decide yeah maybe a i could be a better person. More so a better sister and Friend, I could be a little more understanding, interested and thoughtful. I could make more time and effort with new and old friends. I love my sisters and friends so much, so why not show it more...? I love you! ha ha.

I don't know why I have gone all spiritual on this blog, I suppose Indonesia has mellowed me out a little. I am not the same person as I was in England. My priorities have changed, I am more concerned about my health, my future and when I will see my sisters again( i miss u so much). I think also when I was doing my modeling shoot thing, I realized that been young and looking young doesn't last forever, but been a nice person does. I suppose I also have a lot of time to think as there are lots of moments when i am alone and free to think.

At the moment, i am feeling a little scared here, i mean there are moments where i feel super confident and will happily chat away with anyone in Indonesian, but right now I feel a little lost and shy. I feel like this small fish in one huge bowl... Totally lost and directionless. It's a phase and it will pass I know.

But overall I feel happier than I have done in a while, i have started to get my appetite back, and can actually see my curves returning, I feel stronger and determined to get my health back on track. After last weeks week long sickness, I have realized if i don't eat then I will be in serious trouble soon.... so eat, eat and eat!!

Thanks guys for reading my blog, i am always happy to hear from people, and I hope that you guys enjoy reading my feelings and new life.

Love to everyone.

Saturday, 29 May 2010

So yesterday I had a modelling shoot for the front cover for Jogjas teenage newspaper, which will be published on Wednesday. Yesterday was a long day, with many people all taking my photo. Whilst standing in various shots and poses, I started to think how fake the modelling world is, I was caked in Make up, my skin which is naturally speckled with freckles was turned flawless, my eyes were made to look like little dolls… I looked in the mirror after about 1 hour in makeup- and I didn’t recognise myself- who was this perfect looking girl staring back at me?

I loved the day and relished in the idea of how good I could look every day if I spent one hour putting on fake lashes, foundation, powder, eye liner, mascara, eye shadow and lipstick oh but how lazy I am… nah that idea is not for me. So the results are amazing and you can see some of my photos on facebook- more to come when I get them too! I love the fact that when I am older I can look at these photos and tell my children “ Yeah your mommy can look pretty sometimes” ha ha.

After my last blog post I am feeling a little better, and taking each day with a renewed energy and confidence. I had my friend from England come and stay at my house a couple of weeks ago- and that was great, I got to polish my tour guide skills by showing Liz around for 10 days! Miss u!

So anything new? Nope not really, my guitar lessons are going well, I can now play four chords relatively quickly, not an expert yet but getting there. Oh yes actually one thing new, I have a new cat! Me and my boyfriend were driving home in the rain( always) when we saw this little kitten all alone and crying, My heart broke there and then! I had to have her, so I scooped her up and took her home. She is now happily residing at my house and has even chosen her religion…. muslim!! Whenever my boyfriend prays little Ginger will go in the prayer room and pray with him… Very sweet.

I seem to be suffering from a disease called Lazi-i-tis!! Haha, I just don’t want to go out at the moment, which means I am been super unsociable… Ah well we all have times like that. When I finish work all I want to do is go home and sleep… lazy huh. In Indonesia and all I want to do is sleep.

Sorry for the lack of contact to everyone over the past week, I have again been sick. This time struck down with a virus that knocked me out for four days, I am now in recovery...This would be the 5th time I have become sick in Indonesia, so now I need to take action and start to look after myself a whole lot better.. Vitamins, plenty of food, gallons of water and happiness in my heart. So I give myself a month to pull my health together starting with weight gain- Coming out to Indonesia i weighed a very healthy 63kg and now i am 53kg... Not good... Target weight 60Kg...... So lets eat! I want my sisters chilli con carne with spam ham so much followed by a dessert from Marks and Spencers.... Boo Hoo....

Oke well have to go, speak to you all

Sunday, 9 May 2010

Life in Indonesia seems to be flying by, I have been here now for 6 months, half a year already gone. Everyday I am becoming more accustomed to Indonesian culture and traditions. I spent my first birthday over here in Indonesia last week, turning 24 does not really fill me with joy, I feel older and I don’t like it. Yes I know in the grand scheme of things 24 is young, but to me I feel like I have experienced so much in my life (good and bad) that turning 24 is not so enjoyable, it was made even worse by the fact that I had to stay at home as I had a chest infection- so all in all a pooey birthday!

I should really make myself some resolutions for the next year, little targets which I can work towards, but well that’s just not really me… you could say I am a little lazy.

I have a new little part time volunteer position at a school close to my house, where I go in and read to all the elementary students there. On my first day there I thought I would be reading to a small select group of maybe around 10 students, but how wrong I was as when I arrived there, I was given a microphone and shown the room full of around 70 students, so that scared me a little bit. However getting over the initial shock I actually found myself enjoying it- it gives me a chance to act and make a complete fool of myself whist I also try to be 10 different characters whom all have 10 different voices- So that takes two early mornings a week.

My guitar lessons are progressing slowly… I mean really slowly… Not me but my fingers, however much I try my fingers just don’t want to move fast, so they proceed in a slow manner which makes my music sound stilted and shit! Ah well I will keep trying. Funny thing is that my teacher wants me to play in this event that my music school is holding. There is no way I can do that I have only had 3 lessons and I don’t think I have improved at all- I kindly say.. Mas Nggak Bisa, belum siap. Saya nggak pede. Saya malu mas! Ha ha- Which means… Friend I cant! I am not ready! I am not confident, I am shy!

Thankfully my Bahasa Indonesian is improving partly to my confidence increasing, of course I am not fluent and wont be anytime soon, but I can hold a conversation and understand maybe 50% of what people are saying, if they speak SLOW SLOW SLOW… PELAN PELAN PELAN! I do sometimes get my confidence knocked when people simply don’t want to try and listen to me, and automatically say they don’t understand me even when I haven’t said anything- I find that a little rude and offensive, but overall Indonesian people are real friendly and happily help me mumble and stumble my way into a conversation.

I have to admit I am starting to feel really homesick, there are moments when I just want to jump on a plane and go back home, go back to where everything is easy for me, but of course I am not going to do that… Just moments on insanity!

Before I came here, I though it would be easy to make friends etc, but its not. I suppose its always to make great friends that truly understand you and get u. I find making male friends the hardest, as I am always worried that they may want something more than friendship. That’s not because I think I am beautiful or amazing, it’s just how it is here. I have always got on better with guys over girls…. They just get me better, my sense of humour and I love bantering….but I am not stressing over the friend situation as I am pretty busy so it will happen when fate decides it wants it to happen.

Untuk teman ku yang orang Indonesia, saya nggak bisa menulis Bahasa Indonesia karena itu susah bagi saya. Mungkin dalam satu tahun saya bisa. Tapi untuk sekarang saya bisa menulis Bahasa inggris aja. Saya harap kamu mengerti sedikit, atau kamu bisa Tanya aku dan aku akan coba tolong kamu! Ha ha ( English friends this is for Indonesian friends only)

Oke gonna go, miss everybody!

Friday, 9 April 2010

Cruising along

Hey Everybody,

Hope all are well.

After my last blog post my mood and feeling have now improved a little. This is due to myself having a long talk to myself( and all the lovely emails) and deciding that I need to put myself out more into the community. So I have done the following-

1. Started my indonesian language course, I am not the most academic and have the attention spam of a small new born baby but I am learning lots, and have even taken to sticking post it notes all over the house in aid of my remembering, so now my house resembles a post it note factory.... Waduh.

2. I have always wanted to learn how to play the guitar since my first boyfriend inspired to me this particular instrument, I did try to go to Guitar lessons in London but my laziness made me stop... This time I have no choice as I have just paid for one months worth of lessons.. starting next week..

3. I have also come across this aerobic thing, only problems are I dont need to lose weight and it's at 6.30am in the morning( Indonesians are obsessed with waking up at 5.00am)...Maybe I will give that one a miss!

4. Anyone who knew me well, knew that I made jewellery when I was in London, so I have also found a place that runs free courses, that's great!! I just have to find the nerve to go there... I am a little scared.

5. My friend works in a hospital at the weekends volunteering for cancer patients, this is so inspiring to me, so I wanna do it too... so in a couple of weeks I will be going there too hopefully.

I suppose things are here in terms of facilitating making friends, you just have to go out and find them, and push yourself into unknown situations. For me everyday is a struggle and i am very shy when it comes to speaking Bahasa Indonesian, I can speak a lot and people have told me that my Indonesian is very good seen as I have only been here a short time, and i now speak 70% Indonesian with my boyfriend.... but people I don't know it's different I go into shy mode.... I am hoping all of these courses will help me to become more confident!

Indonesia is a great place, real friendly people and cultural I just have to embrace and adapt, to be part of a different culture is such an amazing thing so I shouldn't waste it worrying about how many friends I have but i should be worrying about how much fun I am having and how much i am learning!

Bye guys, miss everybody so much.